I hope to keep this short but I do tend to say too much because my life has not been easy and there is a lot of pain, anger, and rejection I have had to deal with that only time can heal. I have written a not, both poetry in my early life, and Stories about injustices I have been dealt that have been posted and deleted because I hate relating negativity as no one wants to hear it. All people are interested in is that you have adapted, overcome, and can inspire them and make them feel there is hope for their struggles as well.
I can tell you this. No matter what people think of me from the stories I have put out, I am successful despite all that has hindered my development into who I could have been long before now. Time heals all wounds. This is true. One must work through one's issues on his own. All the counseling and rehashing, and being beaten over the head with one's limitations and disabilities, in the end, come down to this - Shit happens and you deal with it.
I have learned so much from my struggles about what it is to be human. What it is to be judged. For a long time, I was so angry that some of those who are paid a great deal of money to help have serious conflicts of interest in keeping one feeling helpless and dependent. Certainly, some have not had this experience, and I am not saying there are not good people who do want to help but the way the system works, the for-profit system, and those who are dependent on the system are, in a large part, on their own.
I had a severe brain injury at 16 years old. My entire life changed, my personality changed and I was left with a behavioral issue that was exacerbated by a system that does not pay for therapy. They will, however, pay for medication and we all know - now, that the side effects of these medications are every bit as bad as some of the conditions they treat and that, The simple fact is, the doctors that prescribe them come in two flavors.
Some are complicit in the drug company coverups, and some are not complicit and trust the drug companies to tell the truth when they lie about the seriousness of those side effects and honestly think they are helping. How does one make that kind of judgment when we do not know the doctors and therapists they see?
It comes down to this - you have to forgive. Forgiveness is the only healing. One can focus on all the pain or one can let it go and move forward. I have been waiting for the forgiveness part. It is hard to let the feelings of injustice, pain, neglect, and judgment go. Only time can help one with that. Some never work through it and become angry and bitter. Who is helped by that?
I am 61 years old and have finally come to the point of forgiveness. The past is the past. The multiple traumatic experiences I have had that I allowed to shape me are just that - experiences that have made me into who I am,
I like the person I am. I may be alone here on this plane, but God has always been with me. I have always known this from an NDE that has recently come back to me after decades of being lost, and one from the early 2000s after an overdose. I have been involved in the occult, which led nowhere. I have tried atheism and intellectual detachment, which brought no solutions. The false feeling of superiority feels empty to me. Skepticism feels empty to me. Science, what we know makes sense but there is so much we do not know and those questions are just troubling me.
I choose to believe in myself, and I believe there are no coincidences, I believe that God is natural and gave us, at the time of our creation, the tools we all need to deal with our circumstances if we choose to use those tools and one can only know when one sees the dark side of the mental health system, has experienced the lies, conflicts of interest and the lack of help from those who think being formally educated in therapeutic modalities is somehow better than the experience of feeling the pain and worked through it without competent help.
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